Downright scared

I get feelings of bluez, of depression maybe....... other times I just know am scared right down from the pit of my stomach. When he died I thought , am not going to eat for the rest of my life, and feeling was so true, there was all this pain rising inside me, the ache, the memories of our last time together, our last conversation, our last meal, our last laugh...while it all came back to me, I couldnt get anything to go down my stomach, and the encouragement and urging of closed members for me to try did not make any sense. I beleived my life was done for, and there was no way anyone expected me to be stronger than this, I knew I have had some tough time that I was victorous and proud of, situations that brought the word tough closer home, but I wasnt tough enough for this,, my heart was breaking into pieces, and the tears couldnt dry up, and I just wanted to follow him home, to heaven.

I can say all this now, because even though I have not hit a home run in trying to move on with my life, am tougher for the better, probably. When I dont get second dates, when I let someone go, some potential guy, when I switch off and just dont want to talk, when I remember that all the good things i can do, when I count the blessing I have one by one, I know am living a better today. Gina told me, if she didnt know me close enough, she would say that I have built walls around me......I beg to not agree. I have known when to put a full stop, when to place a comma, when to just write on, and all this is because I know each day that if this is the last thing I would do on earth, I want to be sure, that even in heaven I will stand up for it.