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Am back where it all started, this feels like home. My biggest plans this year is to face his family. My loss , brought bitterness into my heart, anger, unforgiveness, hardenning, feelings of i dont need anyone, feeling of i can make it on my own....... a mixture of a lot of things.

Now I just want to go back there, one more time, its the least I can do after have been away for so long. Only my heart and my head can ever know what goes through me, I want to face my demons, face the fact that he aint here, live my life like i should, and give love a second chance. It has taken me almost 3 years to gather the strength I need to accept his death, I should let him rest, and leave everything else, to chance and fate, trusting myself that I can make it, not on my own, but in Him who strengthens me. What a friend we have in Jesus. Thus fr we have come, even with my love gone, Jesus has stood by me, for better or worse, when I didnt look up at Him and when I cried at His feet, when I stopped to beleive, He still couldnt let go of my hand, what kind of friends stick around you like that?

For all those people who knew me and my love, some i havent seen for ages, I know they will all ask, if I had moved on, am not sure about the answers, am not sure about alot of things either. Except for the fact, that seeing that grave one more time, will final give me the closure I need.