Sometimes it get so quite I hear the sounds of the leaves talking, very late at night when i walk down the road to the house. I can see every house in the court yard dark everyone asleep. Am never too sure if I really want to warm some food or just rush into the fridge and wash down the sandwich with cold juice.
Yesterday was too hard, life was not supposed to turn out this way. The devil is waging a war on me, and all I have is a job that has kept me away from church for the last four months, and a breaking heart that is keeping me away from friends. I was down and out, lonely and scared, jobless and penniless. Then Jesus decided to give me a gift of a job this year,, now am busy with no time, still lonely and living in a bigger house, and with every excuse for not joining my brethen in fellowship. And everyday, as my bible gathers dust, I remain lonelier and lonelier, and now my greatest fear is the big rift between the one and only friend who has stood by me on the toughtest and most defeated times of my life.
Jesus, I have no excuse for turning my eyes from the mountain of love you have given me, but I want to thank you for not turning your love away from me, when like human mind I have forgotten, like human heart I have become of faint faith, like of human heart I have trusted in my strengths and my weakness, mould me a new vessel, and put a new wine in me, that I might drink of your cup
Because even as my human heart pains, fails, my strength cometh not from me, but from whence I look unto the hills I still see you Jesus.
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I felt like I was reading your heart. It's a good thing that you're desiring fellowship and time spent with God's word and at the same time, you know Jesus hasn't abandoned you. How awesome that you feel his presence and in essence can also hear him calling you.
If you are able, see if you can plan something, one thing, for the month of July that involves the company of another person or people. A movie, followed by coffee/tea/beverage to talk about the movie afterwards? Maybe my specific advice might come across too clumsy.. I'm sorry if it does :) I'm not sure what kind of activity would suit your likes/personality. Lunch at a mall, followed by browsing through stores (I did that on my birthday and surprisingly enjoyed it.. especially the kitchenware stores.. I desperately want an $800 Kitchenaid appliance)!
With fragile heart, you can make one connection, even if on the surface it just seems too 'surface'. Jesus will be with you and the enemy will be underfoot, defeated as you put one foot in front of the other even if it feels 'staged' or fake. Taking a step forward could maybe be the first thing, that step of faith that starts breaking down the wall of loneliness that envelopes you.
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