Am not good at remembering birthdays, but I know tomorrow is my sisters' birthday, that is 19th August, but I also know on 22nd August was also his birthday. Am supposed to focus on the good that is what they tell me, get out of this depression, like now I should be focusing on my sisters' birthday, but tonight am so sad, when does it reach a point when family takes the back seat, and the ones we have met,and loved take over?
I don't know when it happens, but I know tonight my heart is achy and breaky, instead of reaching out to the phone and calling her am scared am going to break down and cry, and I don't want them to think, am breaking apart again, that am loosing it again, I want them to know am fine.
Its honest, sometimes I am, but other times am not, other times am lost and needy, falling apart, but other times, the promise I made on the graveside, gives me the strength, and I feel rejuvenated, and the promise of a new tomorrow lights me up. Its hard, really hard, and my greatest fear, is what if this pain becomes the hand that will stop me from entering heaven? Its heavy and hard to carry, and its the burden I want to give to Jesus, its the one thing that is preventing me from seeing what a beautiful world God created, His wonders, His strength, the feeling that makes you go on your knees and just worship........ this pain am afraid could be my downfall, I need to be lifted, high into the mountain, I need to see Jesus, I need to catch the helm of his cloth, and be healed, I need to cry at His feet, because I need to...
Happy Birthday Julyne.
1 comment:
[There is a point.. bear with me]... Recently my husband was diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome which explains so much of why communication has been so hard in our marriage.
3 weeks ago he decided that he didn't want me anymore. Just shut the door.. no discussion entered into.
I'm mourning every day and refuse to believe it's over. My husband is a Christian, we both attend the same church.. and there is no biblical basis for him pushing me out of his life.
We were going from strength to strength (though separated this past year). We were preparing to move back in with one another.. My husband said every week how much he longed for us (my daughter and I) to "come home".
But he had another Aspergers 'meltdown'..and it's never been this bad. It's as if he's sabotaging us..and cannot face that our problems have been based around Aspergers. He has trouble facing up to stuff.. he instead gets angry and takes control.
Anyway.. why am I telling you all of this? It's not all selfish..
I cannot say that I'm dealing with death though at times I've believed that would offer more closure. My husband chooses to be apart from me and it hurts me so much and I refuse to accept the death of our marriage.. because I don't believe it's dead.
Each day I do things and put one foot in front of the other.. and the outward appearance would have others say "Oh good.. good on you.. well done". They are pleased that I'm taking care of me.
However.. every day feels like a falsehood. Like something is horribly wrong.
So when I read your latest post.. even though our lives are not the same.. I felt I could understand on some level anyway. I hope this doesn't insult you. I am mourning each day just like I know my husband is mourning the Aspergers diagnosis, though he embraced it too.
I was wondering why it would be a problem if you cried in front of your family or admitted you were having a very hard time..and struggling? I guess they are concerned for you and wanting you to move on..and heal..and all of those things you wish you could have too. But you can only be honest about where you're at. You write and share your feelings with such refreshing honesty.
When you expressed your desire to have all that God has for you, I heard your heart. And because you were able to say that..and 'be real'.. I think you're more open hearted to recovery than you know. Your honesty about where you are at is refreshing.. and it's a good place to start when seeking a closer relationship with Jesus.
It's understandable that you'd struggle around this time.
:)
One thing I have learned during this numb and lonely time is that I'm pressing into God more..and realising that my walk with him before was lacking. I was too busy with my own life..and just giving God the crumbs. Paul and I didn't pray together enough.. and didn't worship the Lord and make Him a priority..I can see that now. It didn't take much for the enemy to come in and try and completely destroy our marraige.
I hope it was ok that I wrote all of this?
Hugs for you. Keep going.
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