Serenity

Loneliness sometimes grips me. Am lonely because ...not because I lack, because I long for. I have hait my head on walls on several occassion when I just think, this man could be the one. After a few dates, am almost resigning. Friends I have. Friends to laugh with, share a few jokes with, friends to go camping with, and I even got to be a godmother this year, I pat myself on the back for that!

My singlewood is not seeking to end soon, its almost like I have placed high expectations on anyone who will end . Conditions that I cant speak of, am not satsfied to be seen as an attractive potential woman who can make a good wife. Maybe I have that and more but the point they all miss is I want someone who can make me laugh, the way He used to, some who would would bring out the best in me and still succed to bring out the worst, someone am at home with, someone I want to wake up with, 24/7 , 365 days a year, someone my instincts compell me to be a mother to his children, yet even as the biological clock ticks, its not motherhood am afraid I wont get, its a companion am afraid I wont get a second chance to find.

Life is a secret I cant unrevel, have been strong enough for most things expect the moment that am supposed to have left you at the graveside, I carried you with me, and now its like a shadow and a template to everyone I meet. Did I become strong too soon, did I keep telling myself, "you are strong" till I forgot to go through the natural way of mourning and healing?

I dont know...but now more than ever , am afraid of going back to the roses in the mound, the last time I did it, I promised I would be strong, now I cant give a promise I cant keep...... peace in my heart i long for........ some calmness......that too.